Wednesday, November 23, 2016

What's up,Dad?

Dear Dad,

Hi!

How are you? I hope you are well.  It's been a long time since we had a decent talk.
  I'm sorry we don't get to talk as often anymore.  Life's been kind of busy.  I guess there's no better time to catch up than the present.

 Life has been good to me so far.  I graduated Med school, I got my license, and guess what,dad, my limbs are still intact..hehehe.. I had the time of my life when I was studying in med school.  It had a rough patches, but I managed to survive it all.

 Francis and I are still together after 8 years, he can still keep up with my quirks and eccentricities.  For sure, this one's a keeper *wink wink*

I still dance, paint and write,Do.  oh, before I forget, the"karate kid" is back, though it's more of the MMA stuff rather than the wax in-wax out type that we used to do.

Margarette and Nicole are happily married with very beautiful children.  Wayne will still be our "Buknoy" and Willott is still your "Sir" despite the fact that Eine already graduated college, and both of your boys are already career men..hehehe

Kyle is well on his way to becoming a dentist,Do, and Kurt is fastly becoming a male Kei when it comes to the performing arts.  They still are your little babies even if they tower over all us at 6 feet 4inches.

You have 4 new very smart,very talented, and very beautiful grandchildren (none of which came from me,btw).  Lucas is the eldest, he's an animal lover and loves to do his DIY with his mom.  Eisner's the second one, he's all sporty and a very loving "kuya" to your 3rd and youngest grand daughter, Qaimish.  She's very beautiful,do, and very radiant.  Little Kenzie's the 4th one, and is just like me, She's a little hurricane, and tends to get all hyper for no apparent reason.

The rest of the gang is doing just fine.  We did all these, and we achieved so much because you were there to guide us.  Your simple, yet very firm, rules kept us straight.

It's amazing how technology can connect us, even if you're far.  Distance, indeed, is not an issue with us.  So, thank you, modern times, for this.

But isn't God more astonishing because even if heaven is light years away, and you are in a completely different dimension from us, I still get to tell you everything.

It was a good talk,Do.  I still have a lot to tell you, but I know you're busy celebrating your birthday.

Let's talk again soon...hmmm..maybe later..:)

You may not have the luxury of your phone there, but at least you have mail.
My mail will be sent to you as fast as I blink, for my message will be sent to you by angels in the form of prayers.

.

You know how much we all miss you.  It's been 6 years, but it still feels like yesterday.  I know you could read this, and I know you're proud of all of us.

We love you, and we miss you every single day

Enjoy heaven and please say Hi to the family for us..

Happy Birthday in heaven,Dodo!


Your spawn,
Katrina

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Reply

Dear John,

I'm sorry for the pain...

I'm sorry for this reality....

The thought of rejection never once came to mind.  It was always about giving you the chance to experience what you have been deprived of for so long.
You always tell me that all you ever dreamed of was to be wanted..to be a priority.  I gave you a chance to experience all that.  I know you felt like I left you broken.  It was never my intention.  All I ever did was set you free..Free from the pain of unrequited love, the disappointment of a one-sided relationship, and most off all, I freed you from the chains of a blinding infatuation.

Believe me when I say that I do want you with me..that I want you to exist in my universe.
Trust me when I tell you that all I ever wanted was to help you experience the love that you coveted.
Know in your heart that it was the only thing that I could do to help you see that there are still others that deserve what you wanted to share with me.

I never rejected you..

I never said I didn't love you..

I want you to know that I have and I will always love you..But please also keep in mind that the love I feel for you will remain platonic.  I love you as strongly as a sister loves her brother..

I will try shield you from the things that could tear you down..
I will do my best to be your ally as you face the harshness of life..
and..
I will do everything that I can to protect you from yourself..

You are your own worst enemy.  You hold your own fate.  Do what you can to hold yourself up as you try to absorb the fact that we will forever remain this way..

Keep this with you always..

I love you for I see a part of me in you..
I love you for you became a part of me too..
I love you for what you are..
I love you..for you are my brother..

Be strong..
Be faithful..
Be god-fearing..
Be a good man..

I will always be here...


                                              Jane

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Tears in a Dream

Him: Hi!
Her:Hey,what's up?
Him: I have something to say.
Her:What?
Him: I love you
Her:Why?
Him: Because...
Her: That's not good enough
Him: But I'm saying it with all sincerity
Her: If you are, then let me you ask a question
Him: What?
Her: Do you love because you see a confidant, or do you love me because you need love in your life?
Him: I love you because you made me feel that despite my imperfections I can still be a good man.
Her: What if I don't feel the same?
Him; It would hurt, and I would definitely have a broken heat, but it's the price of true love
Her; I'm glad you feel that way.
Him:Why?
Her: Because  I also love you.....................................
Him:.....
Her; As strongly as a sister loves her brother.
Him: I totally understand. I'm happy we had this chat.
Her: I appreciate it also
Him: Wait..
Her: Yes?
Him; Would this all be over?the friendship?
Her; No,it won't.  Continue loving yourself, and you can always bet I'm here beside you.
Him: Will you still love me?or by any chance be in love with me?
Her: Know this and take it by heart.  I will always be here for you, no matter what.  I will be your ears, you shoulder, and I would most definitely be your cane.
Him: So you will forever be with me?
Her; If you want me to be here.
Him: I do
Her: Then it's settled.  I will be your shadow
Him: Will you hold the broken pieces of my heart?
Her: I will.  
Him; Will you put it back together?
Her: I will help you heal, but not in the way you want me to
Him; Will you be mine.
Her: I will always be yours
Him: The pieces are starting to mend
Her: It would crack with the dawn..
Him: Yes, I know.
Her: Be strong each time it mends and cracks for it will always be a cycle
Him; Why?
Her; For each time you wake up, you would realize that the only time I'm loving you is through this dream.

Him: I know, my angel.  Goodbye.


Dreams are our escape, but some dreams were meant to make you realize that the situation you are in are just that...DREAMS...

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Unspoken

I'll speak the words you're unwilling to accept
Through your actions, you silently cried to me to be your voice
Thank you for speaking waves in your silence
for now,dear John, you're words have been spoken..





I love you for you are different
I love you for being new
I love you for reasons I cannot fathom
I love beyond what I understand
I love you for the hurt
I love you for the rejection
but most of all..
I love you for the reality of what is meant to be

I see you from afar, and I see how you smile.
I see you with a frown, and secretly wish I could make it disappear even for a while
I see you in pain, and I want to run to your side
I see your tears, and I painfully look away overpowered with pride

I want to hold you, but I fear that you would let go
I want to touch you, but you shied away
I want face you, but you slowly turned your back
I tried to man up, but I lack that push
I see myself raw, but you just stood there blindly

You gave me your time, and I gave you the truth
You gave a once-over, that opportunity I took
You had no emotion when we met, I felt myself falter
You shook your head, and I know you asked if I was sincere

I try to be brave, but I lack the courage
You saw through the cracks, and I was left bare
I know you have your doubts, but please hear me out
I have a broken past, but I try to renew it now

You walked away, without giving me a second glance
I knew I screwed up, despite being given a chance
I am far beyond perfect, and I know I am broken
I have to face the fact that this words will be left unspoken

I know you're cynical, I can't blame you
I played with hearts until I met you
This time I swear, my intentions are true
But the disbelief in your eyes left me blue

I will always be silently wishing for my missed opportunities
But I blame myself for not showing my sincerity
When I talk to you through words I am unfazed
But I never had the character to show it to your face

I wish I was strong enough to show I care
But knowing how you feel, I certainly wouldn't dare
I am pretend to be heartless and really tough
But you stood up to me and called my bluff

You were the first to ignore the advances I did
I saw my heart, and it was the first time I saw it bleed
This is the payback I get for breaking them and making them wish they could die
A first for me, for this is the only time I allowed myself to cry

You said goodbye through cryptic words
I said please hold on, but you left my pleas unheard
I have wronged a lot, and this time I feel the pain
A lesson so tough, but now I know trust has to be gained

You walk away without looking back
I regret crushing feelings before, for now I fit on the very same rack
I guess from the start, success has never been with me
and I guess it still won't be
You are gone and I know I can never make you stay
It was a privilege loving you anyway


Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Dear John

Dear John,

 I know it hurts.. I can see the emotions bottled up.  I sympathize.
I feel for you.  My eyes tear up seeing you this way.  My heart cracks seeing you feel the pain you try so hard to avoid.  I know how you feel.  I have been there.

Sorry..

You have to realize the harrowing reality that love was never made to make you happy.  It was never meant to exist as the easiest thing on earth.  Love will always be painful, it will always hurt.  It was made not to be enjoyed the moment you feel it, but was created to make you feel the thorns around each rose you pursue, and when you feel and survive the pain, there you begin to appreciate the essence of what the word LOVE really means.

Yes,I know it's not the most romantic thing you have ever heard.  It was never meant be associated with romance in the first place.  It was always designed for you to appreciate every good thing that comes your way after all the trials and tribulations.

You ask me why I look at it as something distressing.  Here is my answer:

Love has always been a product.  It has never been the cause of things.  No matter where you go, or whoever you meet.  No one will offer you Love at hand for that matter.  It will always be an end result.  
Like the love of a mother to her newborn after hours of excruciating labor
Like the love of a couple after going through the mishaps and throes of courting
Like the love of the people for their country after seeing it destroyed by foreign lands

It will never stand alone, It will always be a mix of all that exists, that's why when everything ends, LOVE is all that remains.  It will always exist beyond the thrashing and gnashing of bitterness and despair, you know why? because despite being borne out of difficulty and hurt, Love will always be iron-forged;it will always be perfect.  It will reflect everything you sacrificed just to achieve something good and something immaculate.  As a saint once said, "love dies without sacrifice"

Now that I have answered your question.  I will say this to you:

I see your pain..I see your doubts, and I even see the struggle hidden within your hard eyes.  I see the tears and the guilt behind those dimpled smiles.  I can see more of what you hide that you could ever imagine.  I see you as a scared little boy hungry for love amidst all the attention you have been given.  I know it hurts not being able to grab the most coveted feeling in the world.  You know it, You had a taste of it, but you have never fully owned it.
It hurts to see a battered soul suffer and not be able to achieve what he greatly deserves, but you will,one day, understand that everything you want in life, you will eventually get, but not at the timing you want and definitely not in the form you expect.  

Please let go and walk away for you will someday realize that all this suffering..all this rejection will spawn into a beautiful friendship that could hopefully bloom into a beautiful appreciation for one another.  May you be able to learn to embrace all the pain and the tears. As you begin to earn love little by little, through the torment you've been through, please use it on yourself and learn to appreciate the person you are starting to become.  Be a great person, and be a great man.  Use the love you have harvested from all the pain to make yourself better, for someday you will be able to earn enough love to build a beautiful relationship with the right person.

I will always be here to guide you through rough patches.  It may not be by your side, but I hope that my mere presence will help you realize that it's enough to push on and embrace the pain.  bear in mind as we part the message that I will leave:

Love is infinite..You can always make more if you want to..

Take on all the adversities and emerge iron-clad for I will be here by the sidelines cheering and proud..

Thank you 

I'm Sorry

Good bye..

"Love never says I have done enough"


Sunday, May 8, 2016

A Heart's Message to Soaring Wings

Dear Loves,

Congratulations!
 You all did great..
Thank you for everything.for the friendship..for being constantly there..
For the laughter..For the push every time I feel like giving up..For the constant reminder that I am stronger and smarter than I really am..I may be older than you, but you all became, in one way or another, my friend, my confidant, my partner, my secret lover..my family..

You conquered Medschool and Internship..Next phase of this challenge is the Boards,
I know you can do it.. You will all pass..claim it..
The preparation and the review will be time-consuming, nerve-wracking, and you will be both physically and emotionally drained.  The months leading up to the final leg of the MD race is tiring, and you will be exhausted majority of the time.  Hold on and persevere..and in 5 months time, you will all be beaming with pride, while holding up that little plastic card.


There will be times that you will get too tired to go on.. You will feel the pressure building as  September approaches.  When everything gets too hard, or too tough.  Pause for a moment, drop your books, get some fresh air, and pray.. Prayer goes a long way..Take it from someone, who constantly went through hell and had countless bouts of panic attacks while preparing for the examinations.  Prayer gets you through all the rough patches, guys..It will surely give you the boost you need to pass that coveted examinations.

I have always been clingy, and I unknowingly became a big sister to most of you.  I never see myself as your resident, I always see myself as your "manang" .  Seeing you go makes me sad, but it makes me happy at the same time knowing that your dreams will soon become reality.  I don't like letting go of the familiar.. And being the new kid, you, all, were my safe haven.

I have never been academically gifted, but I do hope that I have taught you enough.  Just remember that no matter what you do, the grades you get will never be a reflection of the kind of person you are.  Aim to top the Boards, guys, so that if you fall short, you will still pass.  Never settle for the mediocre, always aim for the best.

Remember that I will always be  a text or call away when you need someone to talk to..I will be here for you 24/7.  

I fell in love with each and every single one of you,guys..Thank you for everything..You made training bearable for a person with a pathological clingyness.

Fly high, loves..
Spread your beautiful wings and soar..and when you land, I will be there happy to welcome you home..

Love You,Guys
I'll Miss You

From,
Your Overly Attached "Manang"
"I found family in you"



The Pains of Being Clingy

Everything that exist in this lifetime changes.  Nothing remains constant.
From the moment we we opened our eyes, and became a being of this reality, we were designed to accept that somehow everything we see around us will constantly evolves..May it be the people we know, the buildings around us, or just the simple everyday things we see round us.

 Since I was a kid, I always had a hard time letting go of the familiar.
Yes, I am adventurous, I like to try new things, but there's this part of me that always hold on to the comfortable and safe.
 When I was 2 years old, I was introduced to the world of dance.  Some people even say, that I learned how to skip and gallop long before i even knew how to walk and run, and since it then it became my safe haven, my sanctuary.  Yes, I admit that I grew up trying everything new that life offered me..From skinning my knees while learning skateboarding to having rope burns and calloused hands while climbing, but I always find myself coming back to 1st love:DANCE
 That is how I am.  I'm an expert at holding on, but I am still learning the art of letting go.  I am a vice grip, when it comes to letting go of something that means so much to me.  I have this irrational fear that if I let go, they would all slowly fade and disappear from my world.
  I have been in school for more than half of my life, and despite of my clingyness, I never cried during graduation, because I believe that we my friends and I would eventually see each other after the event, but when I was in Medical School, it became more than I could handle, I tried to suppress my weakness, since I know after Medicine, we would all go on our separate lives, and I had a fear that the last day of internship would probably be the last time I would see some of my future colleagues.  Boards and oath taking came and I thought I would be oayk, but then The residency training started, and I found myself in another sticky situation.  As a resident physician, you are responsible for all the clerks and interns.  I found myself falling in love with each and everyone of my JIs and PGIs, and just when I thought there would be another day, I would realize that it's already the end of the rotation, and that dreaded shifting party is being organized.  I never enjoyed saying goodbye to my interns.  I always ahve a heavy heart when it's time for us to part ways, and each time i feel that pang of sadness, I go back to my comfort zone: a dim room, with barre and mirrors; the dance studio.  There, i dance my sadness away, and when another day begins, I pretend to be alright, with a pretend smile plastered to my face.  It 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Love..the 2nd time around

Once upon a time, there was a guy and a girl. The girl was naive, the guy was used to the ways of fate. The girl was overwhelmed by how the guy made her his whole world. They fell in love, and it went on for four years.

Sadly, the story that started with "once upon a time" did not end with 'happily ever after. The girl was left behind, trying to glue together the pieces of her shattered heart, and the guy was never heard from again.

As she sat, alone and broken, in a corner. A shadow blocked the only light she has left. As she looked up, she saw the most beautiful creature. An angel, yet completely human, and then she knew. He was an angel, who came down from heaven and cut off his wings, to save her form perdition. The heavenly being suddenly bent down, and caught the only tear that fell, from her left eye. the girl looked up, and the being spoke," Can i sit and share this corner with you?"..She answered," No, i don't wanna share with someone, who would suddenly leave, and take my corner with him". He replied," No, I won't..You will never lose this corner. You will keep this corner for eternity, and I swear that I will never,ever take anything away from you". The girl looked at him and said, "you just took something..You took away my tear drop"..He smiled and said, "ahh..That one, I have to take". The girl was confused,"why?". He took her hand in his, and slowly placed it on his chest," Because I was taking away your sadness. I am keeping it in here, and i promise you that it would be the last teardrop that you will ever shed"


January 7,2009; 3:00pm
"Will you be my 21st Treasure?"

Say WHAT?????..

kinda like a movie,right?actually..the question was asked sang galantaw movie..hehehe..ironic, dont you think?..

ok..Rewind...

When girls turn 18..Most of us will have a coming-of-age or debutante's ball, more commonly known as the DEBUT..As the tradition goes, the debutante will have her 18 roses, 18 candles, and of course, her 18 treasures.

Well..A friend of mine (a guy) had his 21st birthday when we were in Manila getting ready for our licensure exams, and since the both of us were so bored..we decided to have our very own "DEBUT"..with him as the celebrant, and me as the guest..
Of course..ako ang 21 candles, 21 roses, and since I was his only guest..I was obligated to give him 21 treasures..(naputo ako..hahaha)

Too bad..I was only able to give him 20 treasures..since i ran out of significant things to offer..So I decided to present him with a binded copy of my poems ..and since I was super broke..It took me a while to get it bookbind(actually..asta subong wa xa na bind)..and since matamad ako..gnsave ko nalang sa usb..and decided to give him the usb instead(oh, diba creative)..

Today was the day that I was suppose to give him that last treasure..kag since hangag si mare, nliptan ko sa blay..So wa nlng..surprised ptni..

Since we had nothing to do..We decided to go to SM, and watch a movie..T,k MMFF..puro tagalog films..we chose "SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL X" nlng..

The movie was not that scary, but the 2nd episode was a bit disturbing..and then..TOINK!!!..he popped the question..

"Will you be my 21st treasure?"
Aragay..I thought nlimtan na ang treasure2 na 2..k dugay2 na gid ya..but I guess not..
So obviously..imbis na ako ang mngsurprise..AKO ANG GINSURPRISE..hahaha..

It was kind of ironic since we were watching what was supposed to be a horror film, but it was sweet at the same time..

I guess it really was time fo us to decide kung nu gd status namon since we were in limbo for a LOOOONG TIME na..and in limbo..i mean..we weren't there yet, but we were close...(you get my drift, right?)..

So..though it was kinda funny how the process unfolded..It was still unIque, and very romantic..hehehehe..nkilig ko..and i have made my decision..

so I'm shouting out to the world that...

"YES!..I WILL BE YOUR 21st TREASURE!!!"


I wrote this blog more than half a decade ago..and in 4 more days it will be 7 years and 4 months since the day I said yes. Francis still keeps my teardrop. He hasn't given me back the sadness and pain I had once felt. I still have my "corner", but now, its a little bit bigger, because he got his own and shared it with me.

Despite all the bad drafts before, I did get my fairytale.. Love really is sweeter the 2nd time around. my story still has a lot of unwritten chapters, but i know. someday, somehow..it would end with the words, "and they live happily ever after"..

HAPPY 88th, MY "ONE"..Thank you for helping me glue things back together. I know, it took a lot of effort on your part to help me get through things that i never imagined i would experience. You were there all throughout the events i have gone through for the last 7 years, and even before our love story started. You were a stranger, once, and then you became my friend, my confidant, my brother, my prince, and now my other half. You have been so good to me and to my family. You really are HEAVEN-SENT. The idiosyncrasies of my life were tolerated by you, and despite all my imperfections, you still gave me everything , and made me the most beautiful, woman in your world.


THANK YOU SO MUCH... I LOVE YOU"I gave you the key..You gave me your heart""I gave you the key..You gave me your heart"

Unreciprocated..But Moving On

Yes..It hurts
It makes you bleed..It crushes your core
Unrequited Love..
You may have been misunderstood, and you may have been ignored..

That's Life..That's Love..You give your all..you get frustrated..you get hurt..you mope..you get mad..you lose hope..but then..time will come..you will raise your head..you will smile..and the you'll move on..

I got my heart broken numerous times.. May it be because of unforeseen circumstances or things that I already expected to hurt me..
My biggest heartbreak was losing the man I have ever loved deeply..He was taken away too soon..He's never coming back..and no matter what I do..the only thing that I have, as a memory, is who I am..the blood  that course through my veins, half of my genetic makeup, and this rattail that I have swaying as I walk around during rounds...It was a struggle for me for the past 6 years, since he was my idol,,he was my hero..and he was the only man that never made me cry..except for the day he went away..

Yes..I break down easily..I cry over simple and petty things.. I cry over cartoons, sad movies, hell, I even cried all throughout the 2nd part of "How to Train Your Dragon"..
Being a crybaby is a struggle for I was taught never to show weakness..

But despite all the times I was heartbroken and frustrated..I never took this out on anyone.  I keep a handful of friends, and these friends, I trust with my life.. They know how I battle the turmoil within me, and even before the tears spill, their handkerchiefs are out and ready.

Life is not always a bed of roses..Its not always rainbows and smiles,, Yes, everything we experience starts with "once upon a time", but not all of them ends with,"happily ever after".  You write your own stories.. You make your own plot, and if you find yourself  miserable amidst the lines that you compose, you can always change the tale.  You hold your own happiness, it doesn't rest on other people's hands, so you can never blame somebody else for your own misery.

If you find yourself spiraling down, do not drag other people with you.  Never trample other people's joy..A broken heart is not enough of a reason to destroy your character, and to smear other people's reputation.  If you find yourself cheated by fate, and ganged up on by love and destiny, then turn your back and make another fairytale.  You are entitled to our own happiness, but it is not a reason for you to make other people look bad just to make yourself feel better.

We all have that moment, where we all feel alone in our corner, and all we see through our eyes is hate.  A one-sided love is a fate worse than death.  You get your heart shattered to the point of being irreparable.   Each time you see that person, you feel yourself being stabbed endlessly, and every moment you get to remember the "what ifs" and "if onlys", you feel your very soul slowly breaking away.  Yes, it is painful beyond words..It destroys every fiber of your being, but it is not a reason to destroy relationships..to break friendships,,

The people around you have had their share of being taken for granted, and being ignored..You are not alone..You have a lot of people around you, but it is up to you to open your eyes..you heart, and to extend your hand that someone may be able to grasp you tight, and pull you out of that vortex.  Do not pretend to be fine, but secretly destroy other people's self-worth, just so you could feel okay.  It is alright to cry, it's alright to show weakness..You are human, you are entitled to be hurt..to feel..

Unrequited Love..It stings..It's selfish..It's heart wrenching..it's devastating
You cry..You bleed..You die..every single day..
and then one day..
You will start moving one..

So let go..Grab another sheet of paper..Start another story..Walk away from something that destroys you..take all that hate away with you..scatter it, and let the wind bring it to oblivion..for someday..someone would eventually share that corner with you..

You have your time..All you need to do is WAIT..
..