Reminiscence of an Empty Soul

 Hey there,

Yes, it’s me. Do you still remember who I am? 

I’m that girl in the grey hoodie and denim shorts you met at the bar.  Remember that night when we met? I was the timid one.  The one, who wanted to go home early, and who was very quiet the entire time.

Remember exactly 2 years ago? 

We went and had dinner with a couple of your friends and then we spent the entire night until early morning just talking? We melded together perfectly back then.

It was kind of ironic that we practically grew up side by side.  We went to the same school and we even had the chance to work in the same place, but we only found each other 2 scores after.  It was serendipity as you said.  It was surreal.  It was fate.

It all fell into place, and it was like everything was planned by the cosmos.  We were happy.  All we do is banter and smile.  We had the occasional petty fight, but then we would take a moment to ponder on what we were arguing about and laugh it off.

We were a team.  

Now, we play the same sport, we wear the same uniform, but it is as if we are strangers.  What happened? 

Was it all a dream? Was I? Were you?

What became of that power duo we tried so hard to build? What was our kryptonite?

You smile... I smile.,. We pretend we are okay...

We never argue anymore, but we barely talk...

I would rather have those nonsensical moments rather than this long silence...

2 years ago, you saved me from a deed that I was planning.  I had the razor ready, and I finally had the courage to use it, but then you handed me a glass of cold lager and I gave breathing another chance...

Now, I am strong enough to live..to face everything because of you...

But why this?

I am alive, but empty...

Even more broken than before...

You were my salvation, but then because of love, you became my downfall...

Credits:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKfOwffq5Xs

Keep Beating

                Dear Heart,

                                You are strong.  Keep fighting.  I know you are battered, shattered even, but you still keep on beating.  You have been through a lot of turmoil, but you managed to see it through.

                I know you are presently bleeding.  It hurts to know that despite your value, you are thrashed and tattered to bits, but it amazes me to know that despite being torn apart, you are still struggling to survive.  You never gave up the hope that in time you will be whole again.

                I treasure you, dear Heart, you are precious; never let your experiences tell you otherwise.  Please know that you may be hurting now, and when you heal the marks will remain, but I am asking you not to let those scars define who you are.  Think about all the challenges you have been through, and how you came out bruised but victorious.

                A gentle soul whispered to you as you lay there silently glowing dim.  It knew that you were iron-clad, and that you will eventually shine bright once again.  It told you that you were created for far better reasons than what you have been fighting for.  It told you to remain strong and to eventually stand up and start beating strongly again.

                Yes, dear Heart, you are indeed sturdy, you choose to keep on existing despite the pain you are currently feeling.  I know you will eventually find in your essence to continue believing in the very thing you once fought for: LOVE.  Love can come in all forms; I do hope you realize that now.  Love need not be romantically-inclined; it can be purely platonic but completely satisfying.  Yes, you were a warrior for Love, but you got wounded because of your battles.  You started to believe that you fought for all the wrong reasons, I tell you now, that all the reasons were acceptable, it is the way you view those reasons that were slightly distorted.  When you got hurt, you immediately believed that what you have been fighting for was never real to begin with.  Please, dear Heart, do not cloud your judgement by the tears and the pain you acquired when the battle was lost.  I tell you that Love does exist, it may not be in the manner that you expected, but it is real.  Please take time to heal and come back stronger.

                                Credits to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcyR_VLZJ8U

                You fought bravely for things that you stalwartly believed in.  You wear the battle scars of your zeal.  You are brave, but it is time for you to open your eyes to the reality that there will be battles where you have to face defeat in order to for you to appreciate all your victories.

               

                All things, both good and bad, must end, dear Heart.  Learn to accept that and move on.  You fought a great battle, but learn to recognize a losing one and let go.  Keep in mind that you only gave up on the battle, but not on the war.

                Rest now, dear Heart, close those aching eyes and breathe deeply.  Always know that you are loved and treasured.  Have a rest and when you are ready, open your arms and face the world, for that which you held dearly would still be there.

When Break-Ups are not Romantically Inclined

When I was a little kid, my parents have always taught me to be tough.  Lessons of self defence, street smarts and guile were common in our household.  My mom and dad made sure that we were well-versed in the art of living the real world.

During those times, I was never allowed to cry because of petty things.  Tears were reserved for things that matter.  Grades, achievements and failures were not a reason for me to cry.  I can still remember my dad telling me, “Ay sus, Amo lang sina mahibi ka.Ano ka pigaw?”(Why cry for something not worth it, are you weak-hearted?), but I have to tell you even if I was brought up to be a bad-ass, I failed miserably in the holding-tears department.  I was a crybaby.  I cry over all things that I think matter (yes! The death of Little Foot’s Mom mattered to me!!!), and there was nothing my dad could do about it.

When I got older, I realized that I could control my tears even if I feel like bawling.  Years of training made me see that even if I feel like I was the most worthless person on earth, I could still pretend that I don’t give a rat’s ass, I will do everything not to give my detractors the satisfaction of knowing that I feel bad.   I would pretend to be okay, and then I would go home and cry like a 2 year-old until I have no more tears, and the I stand up and go on with my life.

I was taught to be strong but sympathetic...to be indifferent but considerate...to be a warrior with a conscience.   I was glad that I was brought up this way by my parents.  I was brought up to pursue life like a war machine, but I was raised to be full of humanity.

They trained me to keep all emotions to myself, but I was always reminded that no matter how thick my walls will be, I will always be a victim of love, and that love will always hurt.  It was always inculcated in me that love will never be something that will be given in a silver platter, but it will always be a product of something.  Love will always be an effect of something you will do.  The things you have to go through to gain it will be tiresome, heart-wrenching and nerve-wracking, but to finally grasp it after those gruelling trials, will the best feeling in the world.  Love was never meant to be ideal, it was meant to be real and it was meant to be strong.

With that as my mantra, I was always prepared for the hurt, and I guess I have experienced it a couple of times, but to feel the love after having bouts of tears and heartbreaks, makes all things tolerable.  The feeling of making up with your special someone after having bad fight is exhilarating; reconciling with a sibling after a period of arguing takes a heavy burden off your chest.  These feelings are what it means to love.

But what if it does not go exactly like that? What if even love cannot fix what has been broken? What can you do? My answer is...MOVE ON...walk away from the pain, and find another story.

Yes.  Fairytale romances and lifelong friendships are what every person dreams of, but not all will have the opportunity to have both.  That’s life...That’s reality...That is Love.

They say love makes everything okay, but what if amidst the love that you feel there was betrayal? Will it still be worth fighting for? Yes, it is worth it, but if it is a one-sided battle, then give it up, and spare yourself the heartache.

Yes.  I am talking about tough love.  Cry, rant, get mad, and walk away.  It is easier said than done, I know, but to tell you honestly, romantic breakups are easier to walk away from than break-ups that happen between friends.  Friendship is a constant thing that usually defines who you are, hence the saying,” Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are”, that is why to be betrayed by a comrade will give you the worst feeling in the world.  It hurts to think that somebody you trust the most will also be the very person that will take your weakness, bake it into a pie, and smash it to your face.  Nobody ever recovers from a heartbreak caused by a broken friendship.

Fans of Popoy and Basha all know about the 2-month rule after a romantic breakup, but have you ever heard of an nth-month rule for a break-up between best friends?  If you do, then tell me because I personally have not heard of any.  It takes a great deal of hatred or envy for a person to turn her/his back on his friend and hurt her/him, and once that wound is inflicted, it takes a very long time to heal.  I was once told by someone that if 2 people parted ways and never talked to each other again, the love between them was real and the hurt was great, but if two people parted ways and remained friends despite conflicts, its either they still love each other or they were never in love (platonic or erotic) in the first place.  I guess that is the reason why most friendships, once betrayal happens, are broken; they are mostly irreparable, because the people involved have nurtured a love so true that nothing but the darkest and vilest intentions can break it.

Friendship is synonymous to love, just like romance describes love.  You fall in love with the people who you are friends with, and when you break up, it hurts you and shatters your heart, but we all have to face the reality that even if friendship will always be associated with love, it will somehow be in constant disagreement with Truth.  Always remember that you can always be friends with everybody you love, but not all that you treat as friends will be true to you.

So always have space in your heart for the reality that breaking up with your best friend will always hurt more than a thousand romantic break-ups, because you are breaking up with somebody you trusted, and somebody who you devoted a part of your life to, that is why break-ups between couples who were close friends before tend to hurt more.

Friendship needs to be nurtured, and needs to be taken care of.  If you can take care of a romantic relationship with a person, then at least be capable of taking care of a platonic relationship.  If friendships go awry, it tends to break you and make you doubt your decisions, but always look at the actuality that despite the pain, like all relationships, you will eventually have to move on from it.

Be the bigger person, walk away from the temptation to get even with that individual.  Keep in mind that if he/she valued your relationship... your friendship... you will not be in that situation.  Sad and painful as it might be, you have to let go of that diseased friendship.

Move on...wish that person well...pray for your former friend... and begin anew

It is the only way you can prove to yourself that the appreciation and the love you felt for that person was genuine.  You will hurt, and you will have a lot of questions, but eventually you will understand that Friendship, just like Love, is a product.  It is a product of common interest, care, appreciation and trust.  If one of these falters, then it will never be a true relationship.

Credits to:https://www.pinterest.com/ChepaaaV/trent-shelton-rehabtime/

You don’t need to have a wagon full of friends.  All you need is a small boat with a handful of people that will help you row through the sea of life, and not drill holes in your boat.

All things in life hurt.  Learn to toughen up and learn when to shed your tears.  Your heart was made to feel pain because it is the strongest part of you.  That is what makes you human.  Friendship and Love is what keeps you humane.

If you were betrayed by a friend, hug them, wish them well, and close that chapter.  Walk away and continue with your life.  It may just be the move you need to become a better someone.

Gemini

Remember when we first met?

We were as different as 2 individuals can ever be.  We never agreed on anything except on one thing:DANCE

For years we never see eye to eye, but God had plans for the both of us. We became the best of friends and then we became more than that..

8 years we faced everything life could possibly throw at us, and we remained strong.  We surpassed illness, misunderstandings, and even the lost of a love one.

Majority of the time, I was handed the short end of the stick.  I was always the one with the problems.  You knew me better than anyone.  I was never the one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I never lash out.  I don't even shed a tear when I feel down.  You were the only one who can see right through me.  You can even sense that something wasn't right even through a simple text.

We were a team..We will always be a team.  I don't know how the system went during the years that we were a couple, but it worked.

We know that we are far beyond perfect, maybe that's what made our relationship strong.  We had our share of trials, but we remained steadfast.

People love the way our relationship goes.  They don't know how we did it, but they love the way we work together.  We are not the most ideal of relationships, and we are not conventional as all couple go but it works for us.

Remember the song we shared when we first got together?
Remember the line," the vacuous night steps aside to give meaning to Gemini's dreaming"?

It was..and it will always be our song.  It was depressing for most parts, and its meaning cloaks the most tragic story of romance ever written, but we loved it.  We loved how a song so short could speak volumes.

We never had the same taste in music, and we were introduced to different forms of dance, but again we compromised.  You supported me when I danced to the classical sound of Giselle and Nutcracker, and I cheered you on when you get down to the beat of Snoop Dogg and the Teriyaki Boys.  You grimace but lend your ears to my weird taste in music when I force you to listen to the songs  the likes of Wild Belle's "Keep You" and Scotty McCreery's "I Love You this Big", and I try my best not to scrunch my nose up when you keep playing your Christmas songs all year round.

We were never conventional, and we have the weirdest relationship any person could encounter, but it was perfect for the both of us.  It was our own version of a fairy tale.

Now, the fates handed you a short straw, and I see you slowly fall apart.  I never knew we could come to a point that our unconventional way of dealing with things would slowly leave us broken.  Our exterior is cracking, and people can feel the tension.  We never hang our dirty linen in public, but my heart soared for the support we are receiving.

Now it's my turn to be the strong wall you can lean on.  I want you to know that it would take more than this incident to break us apart.  We are, after all, super heroes.  You have been there through all the tough times in my life, and I promise you I won't leave now.  Though you did not utter a word, I know you need me now.  We may have to go about our daily routines, but I know you do feel that I am with you 24/7.

The song goes,"We'll have about an inch space, But I'm here.I can breathe in what you breathe out"

Yes..I'm here.  I'm not leaving..

We may have been built on tough love.  No mushiness when it comes to dealing with each other, but now is the time to let them see that we are indeed what we are built out of:TOUGH LOVE

Love was never a responsibility for the both of us.  It was what we were accustomed to..It was like we were indeed created to fit each other perfectly..like 2 perfect pieces of a puzzle.  It was a way of life for the both of us.

Presence was never an issue for we have always been with each other through good times and bad.

You have been beaten down by things beyond our control, but we will get through this.  We always do.

We managed to survive bouts of emotional typhoons and hurricanes.  A little drizzle cannot wash away our foundation.

I never been one to express myself emotionally, but now I am laying this all out in the open.
I support you, and I will always be here for you.

We are 2 parts of a whole..

We are strong..
We are resilient..
We will always be "Supertwins"..

after all..we are GEMINI..

credits:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5S7GZmjCMh4

Don't Break

Dear Heart,

 It's a new year, but you have been feeling the same despair since day 1.

I know you're tired, but please be strong.  Do not break.  Continue to beat..Beat and fight for yourself and for the others around you.

These are trials that you have to face, and there will be times that you will hurt so badly that you will bleed.  It's part of what you are.  You were made to be strong..to surpass whatever trials come your way.  You have never been one for the rules.  In the anatomy of life, you never listen to the thoughts and opinions of the brain.  You make your own decision, and you set your own path.

It's who you are, heart, so don't change. You trip, you stumble, and you always fall, but you still get up and keep on walking.  You are strong, don't let other people tell you otherwise.

I know the past month or so has been tedious and a bit of a struggle for you.  I can feel you hurting.. I can feel you getting exhausted.  There are times that I can barely breathe because I can feel you take up too much space.  I feel you trying to outrun the agony.  I know you have been trying to escape the pain.  I feel it every single day.  I feel you getting weaker and weaker each day, but you kept fighting.

All you feel, I feel twice as much.  Each time you run out of breath, I feel the suffocation.  The times you run so fast just to be okay, I feel the crushing pain and the exhaustion.  The moments you try to slow down and go numb, I feel the world closing in, and each time you feel like giving up, I can see the blackness creeping in the corners of my eyes.

You are strong,dear heart, I know you are.  Hold on.

You have been hurt..You are bleeding..You have the battle scars for all your triumphs and failures..

I own you, so I feel all your trials and tribulations, but most of all I feel your pain and exhaustion.

Just rest and continue fighting,dear Heart..

Continue to love..Continue to Fight..

I cry each time you feel the sadness..

I love you,heart, that's why I'm urging you to be strong and keep fighting..

I know you're tired..be quiet..be serene..Rest..

but please..

Don't Break..

What's up,Dad?

Dear Dad,

Hi!

How are you? I hope you are well.  It's been a long time since we had a decent talk.
  I'm sorry we don't get to talk as often anymore.  Life's been kind of busy.  I guess there's no better time to catch up than the present.

 Life has been good to me so far.  I graduated Med school, I got my license, and guess what,dad, my limbs are still intact..hehehe.. I had the time of my life when I was studying in med school.  It had a rough patches, but I managed to survive it all.

 Frances and I are still together after 8 years, she can still keep up with my quirks and eccentricities.  For sure, this one's a keeper *wink wink*

I still dance, paint and write,Do.  oh, before I forget, the"karate kid" is back, though it's more of the MMA stuff rather than the wax in-wax out type that we used to do.

Margarette and Nicole are happily married with very beautiful children.  Wayne will still be our "Buknoy" and Willott is still your "Sir" despite the fact that Eine already graduated college, and both of your boys are already career men..hehehe

Kyle is well on his way to becoming a dentist,Do, and Kurt is fastly becoming a male Kei when it comes to the performing arts.  They still are your little babies even if they tower over all us at 6 feet 4inches.

You have 4 new very smart,very talented, and very beautiful grandchildren (none of which came from me,btw).  Lucas is the eldest, he's an animal lover and loves to do his DIY with his mom.  Eisner's the second one, he's all sporty and a very loving "kuya" to your 3rd and youngest grand daughter, Qaimish.  She's very beautiful,do, and very radiant.  Little Kenzie's the 4th one, and is just like me, She's a little hurricane, and tends to get all hyper for no apparent reason.

The rest of the gang is doing just fine.  We did all these, and we achieved so much because you were there to guide us.  Your simple, yet very firm, rules kept us straight.

It's amazing how technology can connect us, even if you're far.  Distance, indeed, is not an issue with us.  So, thank you, modern times, for this.

But isn't God more astonishing because even if heaven is light years away, and you are in a completely different dimension from us, I still get to tell you everything.

It was a good talk,Do.  I still have a lot to tell you, but I know you're busy celebrating your birthday.

Let's talk again soon...hmmm..maybe later..:)

You may not have the luxury of your phone there, but at least you have mail.
My mail will be sent to you as fast as I blink, for my message will be sent to you by angels in the form of prayers.

.

You know how much we all miss you.  It's been 6 years, but it still feels like yesterday.  I know you could read this, and I know you're proud of all of us.

We love you, and we miss you every single day

Enjoy heaven and please say Hi to the family for us..

Happy Birthday in heaven,Dodo!


Your spawn,
Katrina

A Reply

Dear John,

I'm sorry for the pain...

I'm sorry for this reality....

The thought of rejection never once came to mind.  It was always about giving you the chance to experience what you have been deprived of for so long.
You always tell me that all you ever dreamed of was to be wanted..to be a priority.  I gave you a chance to experience all that.  I know you felt like I left you broken.  It was never my intention.  All I ever did was set you free..Free from the pain of unrequited love, the disappointment of a one-sided relationship, and most off all, I freed you from the chains of a blinding infatuation.

Believe me when I say that I do want you with me..that I want you to exist in my universe.
Trust me when I tell you that all I ever wanted was to help you experience the love that you coveted.
Know in your heart that it was the only thing that I could do to help you see that there are still others that deserve what you wanted to share with me.

I never rejected you..

I never said I didn't love you..

I want you to know that I have and I will always love you..But please also keep in mind that the love I feel for you will remain platonic.  I love you as strongly as a sister loves her brother..

I will try shield you from the things that could tear you down..
I will do my best to be your ally as you face the harshness of life..
and..
I will do everything that I can to protect you from yourself..

You are your own worst enemy.  You hold your own fate.  Do what you can to hold yourself up as you try to absorb the fact that we will forever remain this way..

Keep this with you always..

I love you for I see a part of me in you..
I love you for you became a part of me too..
I love you for what you are..
I love you..for you are my brother..

Be strong..
Be faithful..
Be god-fearing..
Be a good man..

I will always be here...


                                              Jane