Sunday, May 8, 2016

A Heart's Message to Soaring Wings

Dear Loves,

 You all did great..
Thank you for everything.for the friendship..for being constantly there..
For the laughter..For the push every time I feel like giving up..For the constant reminder that I am stronger and smarter than I really am..I may be older than you, but you all became, in one way or another, my friend, my confidant, my partner, my secret family..

You conquered Medschool and Internship..Next phase of this challenge is the Boards,
I know you can do it.. You will all pass..claim it..
The preparation and the review will be time-consuming, nerve-wracking, and you will be both physically and emotionally drained.  The months leading up to the final leg of the MD race is tiring, and you will be exhausted majority of the time.  Hold on and persevere..and in 5 months time, you will all be beaming with pride, while holding up that little plastic card.

There will be times that you will get too tired to go on.. You will feel the pressure building as  September approaches.  When everything gets too hard, or too tough.  Pause for a moment, drop your books, get some fresh air, and pray.. Prayer goes a long way..Take it from someone, who constantly went through hell and had countless bouts of panic attacks while preparing for the examinations.  Prayer gets you through all the rough patches, guys..It will surely give you the boost you need to pass that coveted examinations.

I have always been clingy, and I unknowingly became a big sister to most of you.  I never see myself as your resident, I always see myself as your "manang" .  Seeing you go makes me sad, but it makes me happy at the same time knowing that your dreams will soon become reality.  I don't like letting go of the familiar.. And being the new kid, you, all, were my safe haven.

I have never been academically gifted, but I do hope that I have taught you enough.  Just remember that no matter what you do, the grades you get will never be a reflection of the kind of person you are.  Aim to top the Boards, guys, so that if you fall short, you will still pass.  Never settle for the mediocre, always aim for the best.

Remember that I will always be  a text or call away when you need someone to talk to..I will be here for you 24/7.  

I fell in love with each and every single one of you,guys..Thank you for everything..You made training bearable for a person with a pathological clingyness.

Fly high, loves..
Spread your beautiful wings and soar..and when you land, I will be there happy to welcome you home..

Love You,Guys
I'll Miss You

Your Overly Attached "Manang"
"I found family in you"

The Pains of Being Clingy

Everything that exist in this lifetime changes.  Nothing remains constant.
From the moment we we opened our eyes, and became a being of this reality, we were designed to accept that somehow everything we see around us will constantly evolves..May it be the people we know, the buildings around us, or just the simple everyday things we see round us.

 Since I was a kid, I always had a hard time letting go of the familiar.
Yes, I am adventurous, I like to try new things, but there's this part of me that always hold on to the comfortable and safe.
 When I was 2 years old, I was introduced to the world of dance.  Some people even say, that I learned how to skip and gallop long before i even knew how to walk and run, and since it then it became my safe haven, my sanctuary.  Yes, I admit that I grew up trying everything new that life offered me..From skinning my knees while learning skateboarding to having rope burns and calloused hands while climbing, but I always find myself coming back to 1st love:DANCE
 That is how I am.  I'm an expert at holding on, but I am still learning the art of letting go.  I am a vice grip, when it comes to letting go of something that means so much to me.  I have this irrational fear that if I let go, they would all slowly fade and disappear from my world.
  I have been in school for more than half of my life, and despite of my clingyness, I never cried during graduation, because I believe that we my friends and I would eventually see each other after the event, but when I was in Medical School, it became more than I could handle, I tried to suppress my weakness, since I know after Medicine, we would all go on our separate lives, and I had a fear that the last day of internship would probably be the last time I would see some of my future colleagues.  Boards and oath taking came and I thought I would be oayk, but then The residency training started, and I found myself in another sticky situation.  As a resident physician, you are responsible for all the clerks and interns.  I found myself falling in love with each and everyone of my JIs and PGIs, and just when I thought there would be another day, I would realize that it's already the end of the rotation, and that dreaded shifting party is being organized.  I never enjoyed saying goodbye to my interns.  I always ahve a heavy heart when it's time for us to part ways, and each time i feel that pang of sadness, I go back to my comfort zone: a dim room, with barre and mirrors; the dance studio.  There, i dance my sadness away, and when another day begins, I pretend to be alright, with a pretend smile plastered to my face.  It 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Love..the 2nd time around

Once upon a time, there was a guy and a girl. The girl was naive, the guy was used to the ways of fate. The girl was overwhelmed by how the guy made her his whole world. They fell in love, and it went on for four years.

Sadly, the story that started with "once upon a time" did not end with 'happily ever after. The girl was left behind, trying to glue together the pieces of her shattered heart, and the guy was never heard from again.

As she sat, alone and broken, in a corner. A shadow blocked the only light she has left. As she looked up, she saw the most beautiful creature. An angel, yet completely human, and then she knew. He was an angel, who came down from heaven and cut off his wings, to save her form perdition. The heavenly being suddenly bent down, and caught the only tear that fell, from her left eye. the girl looked up, and the being spoke," Can i sit and share this corner with you?"..She answered," No, i don't wanna share with someone, who would suddenly leave, and take my corner with him". He replied," No, I won't..You will never lose this corner. You will keep this corner for eternity, and I swear that I will never,ever take anything away from you". The girl looked at him and said, "you just took something..You took away my tear drop"..He smiled and said, "ahh..That one, I have to take". The girl was confused,"why?". He took her hand in his, and slowly placed it on his chest," Because I was taking away your sadness. I am keeping it in here, and i promise you that it would be the last teardrop that you will ever shed"

January 7,2009; 3:00pm
"Will you be my 21st Treasure?"

Say WHAT?????..

kinda like a movie,right?actually..the question was asked sang galantaw movie..hehehe..ironic, dont you think?..


When girls turn 18..Most of us will have a coming-of-age or debutante's ball, more commonly known as the DEBUT..As the tradition goes, the debutante will have her 18 roses, 18 candles, and of course, her 18 treasures.

Well..A friend of mine (a guy) had his 21st birthday when we were in Manila getting ready for our licensure exams, and since the both of us were so bored..we decided to have our very own "DEBUT"..with him as the celebrant, and me as the guest..
Of course..ako ang 21 candles, 21 roses, and since I was his only guest..I was obligated to give him 21 treasures..(naputo ako..hahaha)

Too bad..I was only able to give him 20 treasures..since i ran out of significant things to offer..So I decided to present him with a binded copy of my poems ..and since I was super broke..It took me a while to get it bookbind(actually..asta subong wa xa na bind)..and since matamad ako..gnsave ko nalang sa usb..and decided to give him the usb instead(oh, diba creative)..

Today was the day that I was suppose to give him that last treasure..kag since hangag si mare, nliptan ko sa blay..So wa nlng..surprised ptni..

Since we had nothing to do..We decided to go to SM, and watch a movie..T,k MMFF..puro tagalog films..we chose "SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL X" nlng..

The movie was not that scary, but the 2nd episode was a bit disturbing..and then..TOINK!!!..he popped the question..

"Will you be my 21st treasure?"
Aragay..I thought nlimtan na ang treasure2 na 2..k dugay2 na gid ya..but I guess not..
So obviously..imbis na ako ang mngsurprise..AKO ANG GINSURPRISE..hahaha..

It was kind of ironic since we were watching what was supposed to be a horror film, but it was sweet at the same time..

I guess it really was time fo us to decide kung nu gd status namon since we were in limbo for a LOOOONG TIME na..and in limbo..i mean..we weren't there yet, but we were close...(you get my drift, right?)..

So..though it was kinda funny how the process unfolded..It was still unIque, and very romantic..hehehehe..nkilig ko..and i have made my decision..

so I'm shouting out to the world that...


I wrote this blog more than half a decade ago..and in 4 more days it will be 7 years and 4 months since the day I said yes. Francis still keeps my teardrop. He hasn't given me back the sadness and pain I had once felt. I still have my "corner", but now, its a little bit bigger, because he got his own and shared it with me.

Despite all the bad drafts before, I did get my fairytale.. Love really is sweeter the 2nd time around. my story still has a lot of unwritten chapters, but i know. someday, would end with the words, "and they live happily ever after"..

HAPPY 88th, MY "ONE"..Thank you for helping me glue things back together. I know, it took a lot of effort on your part to help me get through things that i never imagined i would experience. You were there all throughout the events i have gone through for the last 7 years, and even before our love story started. You were a stranger, once, and then you became my friend, my confidant, my brother, my prince, and now my other half. You have been so good to me and to my family. You really are HEAVEN-SENT. The idiosyncrasies of my life were tolerated by you, and despite all my imperfections, you still gave me everything , and made me the most beautiful, woman in your world.

THANK YOU SO MUCH... I LOVE YOU"I gave you the key..You gave me your heart""I gave you the key..You gave me your heart"

Unreciprocated..But Moving On

Yes..It hurts
It makes you bleed..It crushes your core
Unrequited Love..
You may have been misunderstood, and you may have been ignored..

That's Life..That's Love..You give your get get get lose hope..but then..time will will raise your will smile..and the you'll move on..

I got my heart broken numerous times.. May it be because of unforeseen circumstances or things that I already expected to hurt me..
My biggest heartbreak was losing the man I have ever loved deeply..He was taken away too soon..He's never coming back..and no matter what I do..the only thing that I have, as a memory, is who I am..the blood  that course through my veins, half of my genetic makeup, and this rattail that I have swaying as I walk around during rounds...It was a struggle for me for the past 6 years, since he was my idol,,he was my hero..and he was the only man that never made me cry..except for the day he went away..

Yes..I break down easily..I cry over simple and petty things.. I cry over cartoons, sad movies, hell, I even cried all throughout the 2nd part of "How to Train Your Dragon"..
Being a crybaby is a struggle for I was taught never to show weakness..

But despite all the times I was heartbroken and frustrated..I never took this out on anyone.  I keep a handful of friends, and these friends, I trust with my life.. They know how I battle the turmoil within me, and even before the tears spill, their handkerchiefs are out and ready.

Life is not always a bed of roses..Its not always rainbows and smiles,, Yes, everything we experience starts with "once upon a time", but not all of them ends with,"happily ever after".  You write your own stories.. You make your own plot, and if you find yourself  miserable amidst the lines that you compose, you can always change the tale.  You hold your own happiness, it doesn't rest on other people's hands, so you can never blame somebody else for your own misery.

If you find yourself spiraling down, do not drag other people with you.  Never trample other people's joy..A broken heart is not enough of a reason to destroy your character, and to smear other people's reputation.  If you find yourself cheated by fate, and ganged up on by love and destiny, then turn your back and make another fairytale.  You are entitled to our own happiness, but it is not a reason for you to make other people look bad just to make yourself feel better.

We all have that moment, where we all feel alone in our corner, and all we see through our eyes is hate.  A one-sided love is a fate worse than death.  You get your heart shattered to the point of being irreparable.   Each time you see that person, you feel yourself being stabbed endlessly, and every moment you get to remember the "what ifs" and "if onlys", you feel your very soul slowly breaking away.  Yes, it is painful beyond words..It destroys every fiber of your being, but it is not a reason to destroy break friendships,,

The people around you have had their share of being taken for granted, and being ignored..You are not alone..You have a lot of people around you, but it is up to you to open your heart, and to extend your hand that someone may be able to grasp you tight, and pull you out of that vortex.  Do not pretend to be fine, but secretly destroy other people's self-worth, just so you could feel okay.  It is alright to cry, it's alright to show weakness..You are human, you are entitled to be feel..

Unrequited Love..It stings..It's selfish..It's heart's devastating
You cry..You bleed..You die..every single day..
and then one day..
You will start moving one..

So let go..Grab another sheet of paper..Start another story..Walk away from something that destroys you..take all that hate away with you..scatter it, and let the wind bring it to oblivion..for someday..someone would eventually share that corner with you..

You have your time..All you need to do is WAIT..