Unspoken

I'll speak the words you're unwilling to accept
Through your actions, you silently cried to me to be your voice
Thank you for speaking waves in your silence
for now,dear John, you're words have been spoken..





I love you for you are different
I love you for being new
I love you for reasons I cannot fathom
I love beyond what I understand
I love you for the hurt
I love you for the rejection
but most of all..
I love you for the reality of what is meant to be

I see you from afar, and I see how you smile.
I see you with a frown, and secretly wish I could make it disappear even for a while
I see you in pain, and I want to run to your side
I see your tears, and I painfully look away overpowered with pride

I want to hold you, but I fear that you would let go
I want to touch you, but you shied away
I want face you, but you slowly turned your back
I tried to man up, but I lack that push
I see myself raw, but you just stood there blindly

You gave me your time, and I gave you the truth
You gave a once-over, that opportunity I took
You had no emotion when we met, I felt myself falter
You shook your head, and I know you asked if I was sincere

I try to be brave, but I lack the courage
You saw through the cracks, and I was left bare
I know you have your doubts, but please hear me out
I have a broken past, but I try to renew it now

You walked away, without giving me a second glance
I knew I screwed up, despite being given a chance
I am far beyond perfect, and I know I am broken
I have to face the fact that this words will be left unspoken

I know you're cynical, I can't blame you
I played with hearts until I met you
This time I swear, my intentions are true
But the disbelief in your eyes left me blue

I will always be silently wishing for my missed opportunities
But I blame myself for not showing my sincerity
When I talk to you through words I am unfazed
But I never had the character to show it to your face

I wish I was strong enough to show I care
But knowing how you feel, I certainly wouldn't dare
I am pretend to be heartless and really tough
But you stood up to me and called my bluff

You were the first to ignore the advances I did
I saw my heart, and it was the first time I saw it bleed
This is the payback I get for breaking them and making them wish they could die
A first for me, for this is the only time I allowed myself to cry

You said goodbye through cryptic words
I said please hold on, but you left my pleas unheard
I have wronged a lot, and this time I feel the pain
A lesson so tough, but now I know trust has to be gained

You walk away without looking back
I regret crushing feelings before, for now I fit on the very same rack
I guess from the start, success has never been with me
and I guess it still won't be
You are gone and I know I can never make you stay
It was a privilege loving you anyway

Dear John

Dear John,

 I know it hurts.. I can see the emotions bottled up.  I sympathize.
I feel for you.  My eyes tear up seeing you this way.  My heart cracks seeing you feel the pain you try so hard to avoid.  I know how you feel.  I have been there.

Sorry..

You have to realize the harrowing reality that love was never made to make you happy.  It was never meant to exist as the easiest thing on earth.  Love will always be painful, it will always hurt.  It was made not to be enjoyed the moment you feel it, but was created to make you feel the thorns around each rose you pursue, and when you feel and survive the pain, there you begin to appreciate the essence of what the word LOVE really means.

Yes,I know it's not the most romantic thing you have ever heard.  It was never meant be associated with romance in the first place.  It was always designed for you to appreciate every good thing that comes your way after all the trials and tribulations.

You ask me why I look at it as something distressing.  Here is my answer:

Love has always been a product.  It has never been the cause of things.  No matter where you go, or whoever you meet.  No one will offer you Love at hand for that matter.  It will always be an end result.  
Like the love of a mother to her newborn after hours of excruciating labor
Like the love of a couple after going through the mishaps and throes of courting
Like the love of the people for their country after seeing it destroyed by foreign lands

It will never stand alone, It will always be a mix of all that exists, that's why when everything ends, LOVE is all that remains.  It will always exist beyond the thrashing and gnashing of bitterness and despair, you know why? because despite being borne out of difficulty and hurt, Love will always be iron-forged;it will always be perfect.  It will reflect everything you sacrificed just to achieve something good and something immaculate.  As a saint once said, "love dies without sacrifice"

Now that I have answered your question.  I will say this to you:

I see your pain..I see your doubts, and I even see the struggle hidden within your hard eyes.  I see the tears and the guilt behind those dimpled smiles.  I can see more of what you hide that you could ever imagine.  I see you as a scared little boy hungry for love amidst all the attention you have been given.  I know it hurts not being able to grab the most coveted feeling in the world.  You know it, You had a taste of it, but you have never fully owned it.
It hurts to see a battered soul suffer and not be able to achieve what he greatly deserves, but you will,one day, understand that everything you want in life, you will eventually get, but not at the timing you want and definitely not in the form you expect.  

Please let go and walk away for you will someday realize that all this suffering..all this rejection will spawn into a beautiful friendship that could hopefully bloom into a beautiful appreciation for one another.  May you be able to learn to embrace all the pain and the tears. As you begin to earn love little by little, through the torment you've been through, please use it on yourself and learn to appreciate the person you are starting to become.  Be a great person, and be a great man.  Use the love you have harvested from all the pain to make yourself better, for someday you will be able to earn enough love to build a beautiful relationship with the right person.

I will always be here to guide you through rough patches.  It may not be by your side, but I hope that my mere presence will help you realize that it's enough to push on and embrace the pain.  bear in mind as we part the message that I will leave:

Love is infinite..You can always make more if you want to..

Take on all the adversities and emerge iron-clad for I will be here by the sidelines cheering and proud..

Thank you 

I'm Sorry

Good bye..

"Love never says I have done enough"

A Heart's Message to Soaring Wings

Dear Loves,

Congratulations!
 You all did great..
Thank you for everything.for the friendship..for being constantly there..
For the laughter..For the push every time I feel like giving up..For the constant reminder that I am stronger and smarter than I really am..I may be older than you, but you all became, in one way or another, my friend, my confidant, my partner, my secret lover..my family..

You conquered Medschool and Internship..Next phase of this challenge is the Boards,
I know you can do it.. You will all pass..claim it..
The preparation and the review will be time-consuming, nerve-wracking, and you will be both physically and emotionally drained.  The months leading up to the final leg of the MD race is tiring, and you will be exhausted majority of the time.  Hold on and persevere..and in 5 months time, you will all be beaming with pride, while holding up that little plastic card.

There will be times that you will get too tired to go on.. You will feel the pressure building as  September approaches.  When everything gets too hard, or too tough.  Pause for a moment, drop your books, get some fresh air, and pray.. Prayer goes a long way..Take it from someone, who constantly went through hell and had countless bouts of panic attacks while preparing for the examinations.  Prayer gets you through all the rough patches, guys..It will surely give you the boost you need to pass that coveted examinations.

I have always been clingy, and I unknowingly became a big sister to most of you.  I never see myself as your resident, I always see myself as your "manang" .  Seeing you go makes me sad, but it makes me happy at the same time knowing that your dreams will soon become reality.  I don't like letting go of the familiar.. And being the new kid, you, all, were my safe haven.

I have never been academically gifted, but I do hope that I have taught you enough.  Just remember that no matter what you do, the grades you get will never be a reflection of the kind of person you are.  Aim to top the Boards, guys, so that if you fall short, you will still pass.  Never settle for the mediocre, always aim for the best.

Remember that I will always be  a text or call away when you need someone to talk to..I will be here for you 24/7.  

I fell in love with each and every single one of you,guys..Thank you for everything..You made training bearable for a person with a pathological clingyness.

Fly high, loves..
Spread your beautiful wings and soar..and when you land, I will be there happy to welcome you home..

Love You,Guys
I'll Miss You

From,
Your Overly Attached "Manang"

"I found family in you"

The Pains of Being Clingy

Everything that exist in this lifetime changes.  Nothing remains constant.

From the moment we we opened our eyes, and became a being of this reality, we were designed to accept that somehow everything we see around us will constantly evolves..May it be the people we know, the buildings around us, or just the simple everyday things we see round us.

 Since I was a kid, I always had a hard time letting go of the familiar.

Yes, I am adventurous, I like to try new things, but there's this part of me that always hold on to the comfortable and safe.

 When I was 2 years old, I was introduced to the world of dance.  Some people even say, that I learned how to skip and gallop long before i even knew how to walk and run, and since it then it became my safe haven, my sanctuary.  Yes, I admit that I grew up trying everything new that life offered me..From skinning my knees while learning skateboarding to having rope burns and calloused hands while climbing, but I always find myself coming back to 1st love:DANCE

 That is how I am.  I'm an expert at holding on, but I am still learning the art of letting go.  I am a vice grip, when it comes to letting go of something that means so much to me.  I have this irrational fear that if I let go, they would all slowly fade and disappear from my world.

  I have been in school for more than half of my life, and despite of my clingyness, I never cried during graduation, because I believe that we my friends and I would eventually see each other after the event, but when I was in Medical School, it became more than I could handle, I tried to suppress my weakness, since I know after Medicine, we would all go on our separate lives, and I had a fear that the last day of internship would probably be the last time I would see some of my future colleagues.  Boards and oath taking came and I thought I would be oayk, but then The residency training started, and I found myself in another sticky situation.  As a resident physician, you are responsible for all the clerks and interns.  I found myself falling in love with each and everyone of my JIs and PGIs, and just when I thought there would be another day, I would realize that it's already the end of the rotation, and that dreaded shifting party is being organized.  I never enjoyed saying goodbye to my interns.  I always ahve a heavy heart when it's time for us to part ways, and each time i feel that pang of sadness, I go back to my comfort zone: a dim room, with barre and mirrors; the dance studio.  There, i dance my sadness away, and when another day begins, I pretend to be alright, with a pretend smile plastered to my face.  It 

Love..the 2nd time around

Once upon a time, there was a guy and a girl. The girl was naive, the guy was used to the ways of fate. The girl was overwhelmed by how the guy made her his whole world. They fell in love, and it went on for four years.

Sadly, the story that started with "once upon a time" did not end with 'happily ever after. The girl was left behind, trying to glue together the pieces of her shattered heart, and the guy was never heard from again.

As she sat, alone and broken, in a corner. A shadow blocked the only light she has left. As she looked up, she saw the most beautiful creature. An angel, yet completely human, and then she knew. He was an angel, who came down from heaven and cut off his wings, to save her form perdition. The heavenly being suddenly bent down, and caught the only tear that fell, from her left eye. the girl looked up, and the being spoke," Can i sit and share this corner with you?"..She answered," No, i don't wanna share with someone, who would suddenly leave, and take my corner with him". He replied," No, I won't..You will never lose this corner. You will keep this corner for eternity, and I swear that I will never,ever take anything away from you". The girl looked at him and said, "you just took something..You took away my tear drop"..He smiled and said, "ahh..That one, I have to take". The girl was confused,"why?". He took her hand in his, and slowly placed it on his chest," Because I was taking away your sadness. I am keeping it in here, and i promise you that it would be the last teardrop that you will ever shed"


January 7,2009; 3:00pm
"Will you be my 21st Treasure?"

Say WHAT?????..

kinda like a movie,right?actually..the question was asked sang galantaw movie..hehehe..ironic, dont you think?..

ok..Rewind...

When girls turn 18..Most of us will have a coming-of-age or debutante's ball, more commonly known as the DEBUT..As the tradition goes, the debutante will have her 18 roses, 18 candles, and of course, her 18 treasures.

Well..A friend of mine (a guy) had his 21st birthday when we were in Manila getting ready for our licensure exams, and since the both of us were so bored..we decided to have our very own "DEBUT"..with him as the celebrant, and me as the guest..
Of course..ako ang 21 candles, 21 roses, and since I was his only guest..I was obligated to give him 21 treasures..(naputo ako..hahaha)

Too bad..I was only able to give him 20 treasures..since i ran out of significant things to offer..So I decided to present him with a binded copy of my poems ..and since I was super broke..It took me a while to get it bookbind(actually..asta subong wa xa na bind)..and since matamad ako..gnsave ko nalang sa usb..and decided to give him the usb instead(oh, diba creative)..

Today was the day that I was suppose to give him that last treasure..kag since hangag si mare, nliptan ko sa blay..So wa nlng..surprised ptni..

Since we had nothing to do..We decided to go to SM, and watch a movie..T,k MMFF..puro tagalog films..we chose "SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL X" nlng..

The movie was not that scary, but the 2nd episode was a bit disturbing..and then..TOINK!!!..he popped the question..

"Will you be my 21st treasure?"
Aragay..I thought nlimtan na ang treasure2 na 2..k dugay2 na gid ya..but I guess not..
So obviously..imbis na ako ang mngsurprise..AKO ANG GINSURPRISE..hahaha..

It was kind of ironic since we were watching what was supposed to be a horror film, but it was sweet at the same time..

I guess it really was time fo us to decide kung nu gd status namon since we were in limbo for a LOOOONG TIME na..and in limbo..i mean..we weren't there yet, but we were close...(you get my drift, right?)..

So..though it was kinda funny how the process unfolded..It was still unIque, and very romantic..hehehehe..nkilig ko..and i have made my decision..

so I'm shouting out to the world that...

"YES!..I WILL BE YOUR 21st TREASURE!!!"

I wrote this blog more than half a decade ago..and in 4 more days it will be 7 years and 4 months since the day I said yes. Francis still keeps my teardrop. He hasn't given me back the sadness and pain I had once felt. I still have my "corner", but now, its a little bit bigger, because he got his own and shared it with me.

Despite all the bad drafts before, I did get my fairytale.. Love really is sweeter the 2nd time around. my story still has a lot of unwritten chapters, but i know. someday, somehow..it would end with the words, "and they live happily ever after"..

HAPPY 88th, MY "ONE"..Thank you for helping me glue things back together. I know, it took a lot of effort on your part to help me get through things that i never imagined i would experience. You were there all throughout the events i have gone through for the last 7 years, and even before our love story started. You were a stranger, once, and then you became my friend, my confidant, my brother, my prince, and now my other half. You have been so good to me and to my family. You really are HEAVEN-SENT. The idiosyncrasies of my life were tolerated by you, and despite all my imperfections, you still gave me everything , and made me the most beautiful, woman in your world.

THANK YOU SO MUCH... I LOVE YOU

It's nice to hear such a fairytale, right? It only happens to the best of us, and sadly it did not happen to me... I do hope and pray you get your happy ending.

Keep smiling!
"I gave you the key..You gave me your heart"

Unreciprocated..But Moving On

Yes..It hurts

It makes you bleed..It crushes your core

Unrequited Love..

You may have been misunderstood, and you may have been ignored..

That's Life..That's Love..You give your all..you get frustrated..you get hurt..you mope..you get mad..you lose hope..but then..time will come..you will raise your head..you will smile..and the you'll move on..

I got my heart broken numerous times.. May it be because of unforeseen circumstances or things that I already expected to hurt me..

My biggest heartbreak was losing the man I have ever loved deeply..He was taken away too soon..He's never coming back..and no matter what I do..the only thing that I have, as a memory, is who I am..the blood  that course through my veins, half of my genetic makeup, and this rattail that I have swaying as I walk around during rounds...It was a struggle for me for the past 6 years, since he was my idol,,he was my hero..and he was the only man that never made me cry..except for the day he went away..

Yes..I break down easily..I cry over simple and petty things.. I cry over cartoons, sad movies, hell, I even cried all throughout the 2nd part of "How to Train Your Dragon"..

Being a crybaby is a struggle for I was taught never to show weakness..

But despite all the times I was heartbroken and frustrated..I never took this out on anyone.  I keep a handful of friends, and these friends, I trust with my life.. They know how I battle the turmoil within me, and even before the tears spill, their handkerchiefs are out and ready.

Life is not always a bed of roses..Its not always rainbows and smiles,, Yes, everything we experience starts with "once upon a time", but not all of them ends with,"happily ever after".  You write your own stories.. You make your own plot, and if you find yourself  miserable amidst the lines that you compose, you can always change the tale.  You hold your own happiness, it doesn't rest on other people's hands, so you can never blame somebody else for your own misery.

If you find yourself spiraling down, do not drag other people with you.  Never trample other people's joy..A broken heart is not enough of a reason to destroy your character, and to smear other people's reputation.  If you find yourself cheated by fate, and ganged up on by love and destiny, then turn your back and make another fairytale.  You are entitled to our own happiness, but it is not a reason for you to make other people look bad just to make yourself feel better.

We all have that moment, where we all feel alone in our corner, and all we see through our eyes is hate.  A one-sided love is a fate worse than death.  You get your heart shattered to the point of being irreparable.   Each time you see that person, you feel yourself being stabbed endlessly, and every moment you get to remember the "what ifs" and "if onlys", you feel your very soul slowly breaking away.  Yes, it is painful beyond words..It destroys every fiber of your being, but it is not a reason to destroy relationships..to break friendships,,

The people around you have had their share of being taken for granted, and being ignored..You are not alone..You have a lot of people around you, but it is up to you to open your eyes..you heart, and to extend your hand that someone may be able to grasp you tight, and pull you out of that vortex.  Do not pretend to be fine, but secretly destroy other people's self-worth, just so you could feel okay.  It is alright to cry, it's alright to show weakness..You are human, you are entitled to be hurt..to feel..

Unrequited Love..It stings..It's selfish..It's heart wrenching..it's devastating

You cry..You bleed..You die..every single day..

and then one day..

You will start moving one..

So let go..Grab another sheet of paper..Start another story..Walk away from something that destroys you..take all that hate away with you..scatter it, and let the wind bring it to oblivion..for someday..someone would eventually share that corner with you..

You have your time..All you need to do is WAIT..
..

A Twisted Tale of Love

Once upon a time, a there was a girl and a boy. The girl's name was Indifference and the guy's name was Love. Indifference was the type of person, who would never give anything away. It was even difficult to extract a smile from her emotionless lips. All she does is look at you, nod, and go back to what she was doing. Love, on the other hand, was a guy that would seem aloof, but was actually, a big package of sweet words and emotions, just waiting to explode. Indifference was frank, while Love choose to just sit down and keep quiet. Love was an idealist,while Indifference was a die-hard realist. They both live very different lives, and they were the most incompatible couple you will ever meet.

....One day, Fate was bored with her usual chores, and so she decided to do the unthinkable, she decided to pair up the most imperfect pair she could find. So she searched far and wide, and her eyes settled on these 2 mortals, the oblivious Indifference and Love the dreamer. Fate decided to make the two meet. She did everything so they will cross paths, and after a lot of trial and error, they did. And this is what happened after the 2 of the most opposite people in the world meet and say "hello"....

Indifference was sitting in the bar, continuing to think that life is a dreary business. She went there, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. The bar was owned by her dad, and she had no choice but to get the inventory and manage it herself since her dad passed away and her mom was too busy saving lives. She was going about her own business, when suddenly this man, who was way too perky and vain for her taste, went up to her and said,"Hi". She looked at him with disinterest, and went back to the notebook she was busy writing in. Unknown to her, Love was one of the bar's sales agent, and that they will begin to see each other everyday whether she likes it or not. At first, Indifference couldn't care less of who works for the company or what goes within the 4 walls of the bar, but as time goes by, she begins to see the effort all the waiters, the bartenders and the sales agents put into what would be the success of the company. Love, on the other hand, continued to go about his work, ignoring Indifference. He continued to promote the bar until the bar became so popular that customers are too much for the 4 corners of the establishment to hold in. At a glance, you would see Love as a person, who cares for the bar as if it's his own, but unknown to everyone and unknown to the owner's daughter, Love cared for more than just the bar. He cared for the bleak, dreary girl, who manages it.

...Fate saw her plan was taking effect, and decided to take things a little further. She decided that the emotion and the chemistry shouldn't be one-sided. So she planted a seed in Indifference's heart, and with a shower of raindrops, the seedling started to grow......

Indifference, at first, was annoyed with how Love acted. He was too jolly and lively for her. She preferred to be dark and quiet. But the longer they worked together, she noticed that she, too, was beginning to look forward to that smile and greeting every morning. She found herself looking at her phone every 5 seconds to check if there were any messages. She denied having feelings for Love because she knew that everything that Love is was all wrong for her personality. She was into noise and pessimism, while Love was all about hope and looking for that bright light at the end of the tunnel. So, she tried forgetting about him and concentrated on all the things that were wrong about him. With that, Indifference started to forget all that warm feeling inside if her and started to go back to her old, cold self.

....Fate saw what happened to the seed that she planted, and became frustrated. She won't allow any interference with the experiment the she so meticulously planned, so with all her strength, she sent a whirlwind of sweet thoughts and warm emotions towards the dying seed.......

Indifference was beginning to feel like her old self again, when the health and sales department began calling up and started asking for the establishment's latest update. So she had no choice but to work with Love again. With that, there was no turning back. Indifference, though still a little dark and gothic, started to be infected with Love's bright disposition, and they started to get along. Love was happy to have Indifference give him the time of day, and was pretty ecstatic when he knew that Indifference felt the same he does, and so started the subtle exchange of something that was soon to be an unusual fairy tale.

...Fate saw that her plan was working out perfectly, and so she sat back, and watched the progress of the story that she work hard into writing. Despair, Fate's sister, saw another seed of happiness growing, and decided that she doesn't need another positive thing in the world that she desperately tries to tear down, so she sent a big bolt of lightning to strike down that tree, and when the lightning bolt struck, it splits Fate's tree in the middle......

Love and Indifference had a story that no other person can have. They were born into different worlds, Love into a world of happiness and light, while Indifference into a world of dysfunction. Despite being different, they manage to bring their worlds together and compromise. It was all going so well, when something heartbreaking occurred. Love's fiancé, Trust, was back in town, and Indifference's partner,Rules, started to work in the bar. Love had no choice but to go back to his old life and Indifference had to face the next day alone. They were torn apart by things that they can't control, and they began to question what they had and started to drift apart.

....Despair, seeing what she did to Fate's precious tree, was delighted. At last, she finally destroyed one of her sister's most prized possession. Unknown to her, the lightning didn't kill the tree, it only split it in the middle, but the roots were still alive......

Indifference wasn't the type of person, who would hold on to things she knows she can't have, but with Love, she tried everything she can to bring him back. She endured all the times she was alone, and the times she was sitting with her phone in her hands waiting for that characteristic tone that signals her that Love was thinking of her. She had finally given up, when suddenly, her phone lighted up. Love sent her a message that burned into her mind and into her heart forever, "I LOVE YOU"...that. Is all she needed to go on and smile. One night, she went out on the balcony, released a helium balloon, and said, "wherever you are, LOVE, this balloon will find you". Love, being on the other side of the world, did the same thing..and together they said, " wherever this balloon may float or explode, and that is how much I love you"...

Indifference and Love's balloon met above the pacific ocean and there the balloons exploded.. Indifference then whispered, "I LOVE YOU,LOVE, THIS BIG"

.....Fate saw the balloons and realized that despite having her precious tree destroyed..the love between the two was still alive..and so Fate, with her glittered cloak, floated away and smiled....